I have avoided writing in my journal. Maybe because I know it is something I could misplace someday. I can imagine how I will feel when I am ripping the house apart trying to remember things I feel that I might forget. I have so many things that I want to say to you, but I don't know where to begin. Or if I will scare you, or even scare myself. When you talk about dying I think about all the little things you do that no one else will ever be able to. Or how I want to memorize your laugh, or the sound of your voice. I want to take every memory I have and put them some where so that when I have a bad day and can't call you, I can pull them out and lay them in front of me for hours. Then I think about not being able to call you, and there is a place inside of me, that wants to fall apart. I know that I can't keep falling apart. But I have always been able to take a moment out of any day, and tell you about the things in my life. How do you tell your mom that you don't think you can endure this? When she is the one fighting for her life? The one who is eventually going to lose her life to a monster that you have also been fighting for over ten years? A monster that has exhausted you, and pushed to you to every mental and emotional limit you ever set for yourself? The limits you gain when you become apart of a family that fights cancer. They are not our every day limits for things we struggle with. How do I tell you I am sorry for every time I lost my patience, said things I never meant, or didn't put myself in your shoes? How do I make peace with those things, when I can't even begin to forgive myself for them. How do I tell you I rarely know what to say anymore, because I am so afraid of saying the wrong thing? I would cut off my legs to make this better, take your place, give up everything I own, walk through miles of hell for you, but I can't make it better. I can say all of these things, and yet, it doesn't make a difference. Because nothing I do could ever make this better. I can hold your hand, show up to appointments, remind you that you are still one of the most beautiful women I know, and be the person who lays in bed with you on bad days, or good days, or just shows up when you need me. But how do I every tell you everything I need to? You know every chip in my heart, everything that has ever broken my spirit, or changed me as a human being. I don't want to know what it is like to go through good days or bad days without you. I feel this way about dad too. I am so blessed to have such incredible parents. If I am a good person at all, or someone to be admired, it is because you two influenced every good part of myself to be bigger.
I am so scared that I am going to do all of this the wrong way. I don't want to lose you. I don't even want to think about a world that you are not apart of anymore. I am so afraid of losing journal entries, and pictures, even though I know I could never forget one fraction of who you are. You are embedded in every part of me. I just can't find my bearings sometimes to tell you the things I need to. I am struggling with that tonight. How do I tell you how much I love you? I don't even know where to begin.
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