The little things.
Sometimes we forget to say the things we need to. We forget how much someone needs to hear them, or even how much we need to say them, or how to, and we always think we have time. We are so vain to think we are entitled to time, when it is never promised. But we waste it on so many things. We plan for tomorrow, but never really plan for it. We plan to make plans, and lists, and to do things we think we will get to. Because we always think we will get to. I woke up last Sunday and rushed to the hospital unsure if my mother would wake up again. I was terrified that the last conversation we would ever have would be about her hating my hair color. I had almost stopped by the night before, and sat there wondering why I need to be so selfish sometimes. I sat in a room and felt the air escape when reality hit, and watched my sisters crumble as I struggled to find my way out of bleached surfaced rooms, away from doctors who try to sympathize when you are simply another number, never really another person. And you need to hear that everything will be okay, but no one can say it. You have to answer insurance questions, all the while the questions you have are mass producing, and there are no answers to be found.You find doctors who had the means to find things earlier, but only give excuses. And you know, that some where you failed to be the voice they needed. You can't take those things back. I know this, because I have been here, so many times.
You stand in a room and the person who has a laugh you can hear every time you close your eyes, is 97 pounds and laying there with machines all around her. And you have a nurse who keeps saying brain cancer like it is the most normal thing in the world. Every one keeps apologizing, but they are hollow apologies, meant as a kind gesture. When the world finally leaves you alone with her, you realize an hour into telling her stories that you have her hands. Then you realize you wouldn't be who you are without her. Here is the woman who struggled to love a man who beat her for twenty one years. Who packed up all her shit every time he was angry, and let her know he didn't need her. Who walked out when she lost her hair, and a breast, and fought for her life for nine months. And you get to watch him roam the halls like he has a reason, or a right to be here. As if he could even pretend to know her. And you imagine the woman who is singing next to you in the car, or waking you up with tickles when she knows you are going to be grumpy, or who is going to sit with you when the first boy breaks your heart....and listen to her famous line about letting them lose. She is the one person who knows our hearts unlike anyone else. All three of us have emotional and physical scars, and she knows ever single one of them. I know that when she wakes up we have to tell her she has several brain tumors. That even though she fought like hell, the monster is back. And I know she is going to be strong, because that is who she is. But you're not strong right now, and all you want is the one person who knows how to make it okay, to be here. Because you could not imagine getting married without her, or becoming a mom, or having a bad day without wanting to tell her about it. Even when you try to imagine a world without her, you simply can't. You know there is no one like her in the world, because she is your mom. No one is ever like your mom.
She used to pick me up from school, and people would always say, you're mom is so beautiful. She sat next to me at dinner the other night and smiled at me. She is still so beautiful. Three cancer battles in, scars from each one, having known what it feels like to be hurt, abandoned, and mistreated by people she never would have hurt in the world, for anything, and she can still find enough strength to smile. She always was so proud that I was never materialistic. But I got that from her. She always wanted me to find the beautiful parts of other human beings. At the end of the day you can't buy anything that is worth something. You have to gain the most valuable things by loving other human being unselfishly. I have made more than a fair amount of mistakes when it comes to her. When it comes to a lot of human beings. I am so lucky to have her, and my sisters, my father, step mother, and my best friend. I could have not managed to pull myself out of the corners of the rooms I found myself in without them. I wish I could write more. But I am exhausted tonight. I just wish that we knew what it felt like to not go through this. Even so, I know I will never be the same. Because of her.
You stand in a room and the person who has a laugh you can hear every time you close your eyes, is 97 pounds and laying there with machines all around her. And you have a nurse who keeps saying brain cancer like it is the most normal thing in the world. Every one keeps apologizing, but they are hollow apologies, meant as a kind gesture. When the world finally leaves you alone with her, you realize an hour into telling her stories that you have her hands. Then you realize you wouldn't be who you are without her. Here is the woman who struggled to love a man who beat her for twenty one years. Who packed up all her shit every time he was angry, and let her know he didn't need her. Who walked out when she lost her hair, and a breast, and fought for her life for nine months. And you get to watch him roam the halls like he has a reason, or a right to be here. As if he could even pretend to know her. And you imagine the woman who is singing next to you in the car, or waking you up with tickles when she knows you are going to be grumpy, or who is going to sit with you when the first boy breaks your heart....and listen to her famous line about letting them lose. She is the one person who knows our hearts unlike anyone else. All three of us have emotional and physical scars, and she knows ever single one of them. I know that when she wakes up we have to tell her she has several brain tumors. That even though she fought like hell, the monster is back. And I know she is going to be strong, because that is who she is. But you're not strong right now, and all you want is the one person who knows how to make it okay, to be here. Because you could not imagine getting married without her, or becoming a mom, or having a bad day without wanting to tell her about it. Even when you try to imagine a world without her, you simply can't. You know there is no one like her in the world, because she is your mom. No one is ever like your mom.
She used to pick me up from school, and people would always say, you're mom is so beautiful. She sat next to me at dinner the other night and smiled at me. She is still so beautiful. Three cancer battles in, scars from each one, having known what it feels like to be hurt, abandoned, and mistreated by people she never would have hurt in the world, for anything, and she can still find enough strength to smile. She always was so proud that I was never materialistic. But I got that from her. She always wanted me to find the beautiful parts of other human beings. At the end of the day you can't buy anything that is worth something. You have to gain the most valuable things by loving other human being unselfishly. I have made more than a fair amount of mistakes when it comes to her. When it comes to a lot of human beings. I am so lucky to have her, and my sisters, my father, step mother, and my best friend. I could have not managed to pull myself out of the corners of the rooms I found myself in without them. I wish I could write more. But I am exhausted tonight. I just wish that we knew what it felt like to not go through this. Even so, I know I will never be the same. Because of her.
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