I watched a young woman outbid two people who had more money than her a month ago at your farm auction. When she won, I found my way into the mortin building and sat on one of your old trucks and cried. I know that you didn't want us to struggle with things, or to burden us with anything, but had I been able, I would have done anything, to keep the farm. It had been something you had fought for when your dad died, and you gave up everything to keep it going. You had loved and respected him more than I think you ever felt he knew. You put every penny you ever earned into that farm, sacrificed everything, and in a moment, one that was fleeting, it was gone. I know without a doubt you loved me more than I could possibly ever understand, but I needed you to know, which is why I always told you, that you were everything. Sometimes when I am alone, it all hits me at once that I will never have you punch me in the arm, or put your arm around my shoulder, or leave me another silly voicemail. I hold onto every physical thing I could keep that was yours, because I can't hold onto others. I fear losing my memory of your laughter, or the crinkles around your eyes, or the way it felt to catch you staring at me while I was off thinking about something. I will never forget the conversation about marriage, or you ever believing I would find someone who understood me, and all the little odd things that make me who I am. You always told me you didn't care if I ever got married, or had kids. You just cared that I didn't settle for anything, and that I was happy. You didn't want me to be afraid of anything, or hold onto my sadness. But dad, it never ever stops hurting.
I would give anything to walk down that old gravel road with you one more time. Have you talk to me about why life is beautiful beyond it's difficulties, and to have you pull me in for one more hug.
Sometimes when I have a bad day I need to you so much, and I don't know what to do with it. So I just talk to the space next to me. I sometimes just wish I could go back and tell you that I was terrified of losing you. I miss you. More than I will ever be able to talk to anyone about. Because without mom, no one in the world knows how much I love you.
Comments
Post a Comment